


If you think you’re gonna regret, just go

by K1BO



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Yoo Kihyun, Boys Kissing, Break Up, Cancelled engagement, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Past Lovers, Regrets, Stalking, Top Lim Changkyun | I.M, Touching
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-07-06 09:27:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15883263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1BO/pseuds/K1BO
Summary: Changkyun thinks that he made his life decicion to fast when he starts to like his other bandmatethen his bandmate and fiancee Kihyun.So he takes a step back which Kihyun did not saw coming.





	1. ''If you think you’re gonna regret, just go'' P1

It’s almost 8:00 in the early morning. Kihyun is waiting in a coffeshop for someone to arrive. Someone where he is willing for to wake up so early and leave his warm bed.

Now the warmth of his body long gone and now trying to get back through his hands. Smelling the chocolate flavour from his cup between his hands that was also keeping him mostly warm. Blowing some of the warmth away with his breath to not burn his mouth because that would be to warm in Kihyun’s oppinion and he doesn’t want to burn his mouth now.

He sits there and waits, sometimes siping more of his drink. It’s to sweet to drink it all at once but he has to do something in those minutes where his companion is too late.

It’s now half past 8 and his fiancee is still not there. Changkyun is never too late for a date or just a togheter time with Kihyun but now he was and it makes the main vocal worry a bit.

Ding. The bell of the restaurant rings again and it’s probably another random customer Kihyun thinks. He takes another sip, not even bothering to look up when he sees finally Changkyun sit in front of him, taking the free seat that was empty for more then 30 minutes now but Kihyun trusts him and is not going to question what could have hold him up.

It seemed like he didn’t run at all and yet tired and breathing a bit hard, was is nervous? Why would he be nervous. Kihyun reminded himself that Changkyun wanted to speak with him somewhere alone and not in the dorms in their room.

Kihyun offers changkyun the hot cup of chocolate but the rapper declines. So kihyun shrugs his shoulders, takes a last sip and puts the cup down.

“So what did you want to talk about Kyun?”

Kihyun looks at the younger who was playing with his fingers on the table where he misses something on his finger. That one particular finger where there used to be a ring, their engagement ring. He was wearing to much clothes for Kihyns liking, a scarf, a winter coat, with under it a jacket. He could see that since the winter coat wasn’t fully zipped up.

“Changkyun?”

Kihyun asked more worriedly. Could he have lost the ring and not wanting to come out of it? Or would it be something else? Kihyun shakes the thoughts of when the younger looks up. They have been in love for months now and got engaged in a record of time which, for some people seemed to fast but for them it wasn’t.

“Earth to Changkyun, am I being ignored?” Kihyun asks now a bit irritated since he had been waiting long enough and he still didn’t had an answer.

“It’s not easy to say it hyung, don’t force me” Changkyun soft mumbles out of his breath and Kihyun only sighes and bends back in the chair completely forgetting about his sweet hot chocolate.

“Take your time”

Even when he was irritated he had the time of the world for the person in front of him.

“Hyung, I euh..”

Changkyun raises his mouth a bit from his scarf so he would be heard beter.

“I think this was too soon.” He says very carefully.

“To soon for what?” Kihyun was offcially confused now.

“This..” Changyun carefully taps wih his finger on his empty ring finger.

“O.. w..what.. y.you think?” Kihyun didn’t saw this one coming and wanted an answer now.

“What do you mean Changkyun?” He continues since he hate being put on hold with no answer and now really, now his time was almost up.

“Just like I said, it’s to soon for us to be engaged, I am still young, younger then you and I think I want to stay single for a longer time instead of trapping my life with you”

Kihyuns eyes widen by those words and how calm Changkyun was with saying all of this. Was that why his ring finger is empty?

“Are you for real Kyun..”

“Aish hyung don’t call me that anymore please”

An arrow shots in Kihyun’s heart.

 

“Why?” He dared to ask

“Like I said it’s to soon and maybe I got a bit too excited before thinking straight. You are not making me think straight and push me to hard to do things hyung”

Another arrow right in Kihyun’s back.

“And there are more people out there besides our members and fans”

Changkyun continues while he watches out of the window. Kihyun’s lips where shaking, out of fear and pain, he never saw this one coming and now he thinks of it, Changkyun had been off lately and not as cuddly with him as before but with the other members. Dropping kihyun severald times alone and go with someone else.

“You.. got someone else you like more then me?”

The younger shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe, maybe not, I don’t know”

“You don’t know?” That’s the stupids answer Kihyun had heard in his entire life.

“Then why.. why did you ask me if I wanted to marry you..” The main vocal looks down. Gribbing a hold on the fabric of his jeans. Feeling how his hands warm the frabic from his hot chocolate cup ealier.

“Like I said hyung, I was to excited and you know me that I can carried away”

“But that is not an easy question, why would you think so lightely of it?”

A shrug is what Kihyun gets as an answer another time and he starts to get really annoyed by it.

“Stop asking questions hyung it’s just what I feel”

Another arrow in kihyuns back, that makes three now.

“Changkyun..”

 

Kihyun looks carefully up, tears almost spilling from his eyes when he meats Changkyuns not regretfull eyes.

“You don’t love me anymore?” He ask with a fear in his voice. He loves the younger with all of his heart. From their pre debute, during no mercy. He has always been there for him with an eye from the start, and now he finally had him and was going to marry him but now everything seems to change.

He gets no reply. The younger keeps on lookig at him. If you wander if they had kissed, yes, if they had seks, yes, and they where sharing a room in the dorm, yes, they did almost everything together.

“I gues not like I used to”

Bam. An arrow right in Kihyuns heart.

“O… so.. then..” he can’t bring the words out of his mouth since he still loves the younger.

“Hyung I want my ring back that I gave to you and I want to know what I am really looking for. That right person” Changkyun says with sometimes a pause in his words. As if he was making the right decision.

Kihyun holds without struggle his hand out to the rapper. Changkyun looks at him confused.

 

“Remove it yourself, if you don’t love me anymore, if you don’t want to be with me anymore” Kihyun can’t take his eyes of the ring while he says that.

Changkyun sighes “It’s not like that hyung, I still love you, but differently”

“So, you still want to be boyfriends?”

“No, as I said I want to look and move around freely until I find it without hasting to much”

That answer was the quickest answer Kihyun got in his lifetime. He watches how Changkyuns finger remove the ring, feeling the last time the touch of the younger.

 

Flashbacks of Changkyun asking Kihyun to marry him which would be their both, most happiest moment in their lifes with the support of their members and Monbebes.

“Goodbye hyung, thanks for your co operation” Changkyun says while putting the ring away and Kihyun looks to the slightly different skin tone.

“Kyun.. was it all for nothing then? Was my love not enough, what did I do wrong. I don’t want to lose you. How can you do this to me.. How can I keep you?”

Finally Kihyuns tears where streaming down and Changkyun knews that Kihyun would be like this.

“I’m sorry hyung, it was a good time but I’m not feeling it right now” The sound of a chair being shoves back and a movement from Changkyun that he was standing up. Ready to leave.

Kihyun looks up. “So nothing felt real to you, not when I even gave my virginity to you, I gave everything as a first too you!”

Changkyun sighes again. “You where my first in everything too”

“Then if the seks wasnt good enough for you then we can work on that? We can work on everything.. together”

Kihyun tries, he tries with his painfull heart to stop the younger for stepping out of his life.

“Just stop it hyung I don’t want you anymore please let me go” Changkyn gives kihyun a final look who was ready to say something more but Changkyun didn’t want that. So he starts to take his leave and walks passed kihyun.

Ofcourse Kihyun wouldn’t let Changkyun slip out of his life that easily after giving him his first litterly in everything and what he means by a few month relationship he means almost 8. When you know each other for almost 4 years, that’s a lot.

“Changkyun please don’t do this. I love you. I really love you. Don’t leave me..” Kihyun tightens his grip around the fabric of Changkyuns jacket when he feels a hand on his. Hope coming in his heart.

“No hyung, goodbye” Changkyun removes with a push kihyuns hand of his clothes and leaves the coffee shop.

”CHANGKYUN!!”

Kihyun stands there in the coffee shop alone, watching Changkyun walk away like this meet never happened. His cheeks where wet of the streaming tears. Pain in his heart from the words that the younger used.

“NO!” The main vocal screams it out and Changkyun outside needs to move his scarf over his ears to not hear the painfull voice. He indeed loved someone else and the worst part. It was from their group.

Slowly the sound of snow sanding under his boots filled more his demped ears then the what sounded like if something broke down. He never knew that Kihyun got moved out of the coffeeshop for breaking a table in two pieces and throwing a chair out of the window because he lost the love of his life.


	2. "You have regrets now?''

His head is a mess, this is the third time he rubbed his hands through his face to keep track with everyone else, but the lyrics didn’t seem to stick in his head. The words on the paper seem to have a will on their own. Dancing on the paper with a mate, while Kihyun was all alone now. 

It was not working for Kihyun to be in the same room with Changkyun after their break up, but they had to. After Kihyun was send out of the restaurant because he broke a table and damaged some chairs, he went to the BTS dorms. He didn’t dare to go home after what Changkyun did. So he cried out by his best friend Suga. Who took him with open arms, and Kihyun stayed there until late at night and now it was the next morning after the incident. 

Life continues, Changkyun continues, so he has to continue too if he wants to stay with Monsta x. Love shouldn’t take his career right? It’s only unfair how Changkyun behaves around him, having fun with the members around them while Kihyun avoids question. The younger really didn’t seem to care about their relationship anymore and that’s what Kihyun hates the most out of it but he has to stay professional. At least their fans didn’t know about the engagement so he won’t get hurtful comments through there.

‘’Kihyun, Earth to Kihyun’’ Shownu flicks his finger in front of the younger and Kihyun blinks in response. ‘’Can you repeat what I just said?’’ Shownu asks him a bit annoyed and Kihyun can understand. He ignored his leader for pretty much the whole time while he was explaining a new comeback song. All the eyes were on him and Kihyun can’t look at them. ‘’No, sorry, I am taking a pill against my headache, I can’t focus’’ With that Kihyun leaves the room. Not only the room but the dorms too, he doesn’t want to be in that environment for now, so he heads back to BTS their dorm. 

He hoped somewhere that Changkyun would run after him, asking what was wrong so Kihyun could shout his frustration out, that he wanted him, but that was for no use when the path behind him stays silent. Only his footprints that gets left behind with the love that had sank to his feet. 

Days go like that, Kihyun gets out of the dorm after or even during practice to be with Suga, each time helping him a bit of the pain. In those days Kihyun had noticed Changkyun particularly close with a member which he wouldn’t have thought of, but in any case they could have the same character. A character that Kihyun doesn’t have or rather has trouble showing it if he has too. Kihyun couldn’t be sweet and kind all the time, that wasn’t in his nature, he got used to the scolding and savage sarcasm, but he had his clingy moments, was that not enough for him?. Until one day.

‘’Is that everything you eat Kihyun?’’ Shownu asks again, he always asks that same stupid question about why he doesn’t eat up his plate. Kihyun didn’t had the appetite to eat in the last weak and he had lost a lot amount of weight in that way. ‘’No I’m full, I’m leaving’’ Kihyun whips his mouth off and gets up from the table, leaving his 6 members in the kitchen as he makes his way to his room.

‘’Kihyun hyung’’ Kihyun freezes when he hears his name after a weak from that person, who left him with a broken heart, they hadn’t spoken one word until now so Kihyun looks up to what the younger has to say, being a good hyung.

‘’Get over it hyung, acting like this won’t get me back’’ Changkyun says harsh but for him it was the truth. Kihyun’s eyes widen, out of all the things he could have said, he said those words in that meaning. He gets angry, it hurts, it really freaking hurts inside because he wasn’t over it but Changkyun was, and now he crossed the line. He was broken, the last peace’s of his heart that where attached like dreads to each other finally got cut free, even Kihyun’s eyes turn from dark brown to a lighter tone. His life was broken now.

‘’I don’t want you back’’ He says cold, there latterly was no life in him anymore and even Changkyun seems to progress to what the older just said.

He wants to say something again but Kihyun smashes the door behind him as he disappears in his room. click, the lock went on it since he was still sharing a room with Changkyun but not for long, in a few minutes Kihyun had gathered all his things that he needed in a bag and puts it down. He would leave, only for a days. Where would he go? He would go to Suga and stay there for a few days. The older of the two had offered it before but Kihyun wanted to do this on his own and get over it, but Changkyun wasn’t helping at all. Not in a good way nor a bad way, just the worst way.

Before he leaves he quickly checks his weight on the scale, even when he didn’t care about himself some other still did, like Shownu. 49 Kilo grams.. Kihyun was from 56 Kilo grams to 49 and that was really bad, he never payed attention to his body after the break up but if he would check that now he would be skinny and his ribs would shine like knifes ready to cut the skin open and end his life.

He steps of the scale, ignoring it again, he will eat again when he is with Suga, a healthy environment. He puts on everything that he has in his room. his shoes, jacket, hat, and even gloves. He opens the door again, ignoring a Changkyun who looks with wide eyes to the big bag on his back. ‘’Hyung?, where are you going?’’ The younger asks, and Kihyun looks up, one last time to him. ‘’Why should I tell you’’ and the front door gets smacked in Changkyun’s face. Kihyun got outside direct taking his leave for the BTS dorms.

He won’t see that Changkyun opens the door and looks to the Kihyun that’s leaving him. Just like how Changkyun never knew that Kihyun was send away from the restaurant. There go his tears, from his eyes, over his cheeks, dripping in the snow. He messages Suga, letting him know that he is on his way, but as he sends the message, his vision starts to bluer, he didn’t get much sleep through nights of crying, days of practices and days of being ignored. He was tired, and about to give up. No, he was up. His body drops on the ground a couple of streets further then his old home. 

-

Changkyun takes a couple of breaths, he was standing in front of the door, rethinking is he would really do this. Kihyun had left two hours ago with an answer the younger didn’t understand. He thought that Kihyun still would like him, even after everything, but Changkyun wants to move on. He doesn’t know exactly why he cancelled everything. When the moment was there, everything was so right for him and Kihyun but now, something happened which made him change. Still feeling something towards the older but he doesn’t understand right now what he actually wants. There was someone making him confused, doubting his relationship with Kihyun, so he wanted to find it out in peace, what peace?. Changkyun can’t bring himself to cheat on Kihyun so that’s the main reason. To still keep that pride of him.

He stands in front of the door of the member that was confusing him so much. During their latest X-ray season he had been put up with someone, a hyung, older than Kihyun. He had extremely fun with him, soft feelings formed inside during the episodes. He wanted to know if the older would be interested in something more, if he Changkyun himself wanted, what he indeed said, something new or maybe regret it and go back to Kihyun. 

He doesn’t knocks against the door since he wanted to surprise his hyung. So he opens the door and freezes in midway. He looks at Wonho and Shownu on the cough Kissing each other. Changkyun suddenly feels the need to throw up, flashbacks of him and Kihyun for the first time on the couch where Changkyun panicked confessed but meant the words. He feels so sick, he never had a change with Wonho but with Kihyun instead. He gets memories back from their time together, while he thinks of those he closes the door. The main reason shots in his head why he wanted to marry the older one and maybe it was because he loved him, he always had but he was scared, scared to continue. He didn’t know where Kihyun was, but he wanted to find him, and now.

-

De black space gets cut open in two slices of light. Bluer takes over his vision but soon in the blurry image a person with brown hair comes in vision. It seemed to talk but Kihyun doesn’t hear anything for a few seconds. 

‘’Hey Kihyun welcome back’’ Suga says while petting the youngers head.

‘’h-hyung?’’ Kihyun mummers through his dry lips and Suga shushes him. ‘’W-what happened?’’ He asks because he was curious.

‘’You passed out on the street Kihyun, when I saw you offline and didn’t respond after 30 minutes, I went to your location and brought you to the dorms. “my dorms?” The younger asks? “No BTS’s’’.  
‘’O’’ Is what Kihyun replies and gets up with his head from the elders lap. 

‘’Common let’s get you some food, you need to eat Kihyun’’ Suga gets up but gets stopped by a force. In the minutes Kihyun and Suga where in the room Kihyun explained what Changkyun said today and cried it again for who knows how many times in Suga’s shoulder. 

‘’Hey Kihyun, why don’t you try something to ease the pain in your heart a bit’’ Suga suggest while he pets the youngers back. 

‘’L-l-like what’’ Kihyun manages between his sobs to answer his hyung.

‘’why don’t you be my boyfriend?’’ Kihyun shots up out of suga’s arms. ‘’Your kid-ding r-right?’’ Kihyun says shocked. ‘’No I am serious Kihyun, I want you to be happy and for a little while until you feel different, and remember’’ Suga pauses ‘’You are not with Changkyun anymore, so you are not cheating, instead he said he liked someone else right?’’ Kihyun doesn’t reply on that.

That question gets shoved back to the back of his head.

‘’Hyung’’ Kihyun says soft and Suga hums in a reply. ‘’I want to be your boyfriend’’ Kihyun says and moves a bit closer to Suga. ‘’Great’’ the older says and lays a hand in Kihyun’s neck to bring the older in a slow, careful kiss. Kihyun hadn’t kissed anyone besides Changkyun in his live, and now after a week and some days, he was sick of it. Sick of everything, of Changkyun, so he kisses Suga back, trying to find something new and burry the feelings he has for Changkyun deep inside his heart.


	3. “You take to long”

A few days ago Kihyun had texted Shownu that he would be gone for a few days because of personal reason. So after three days, having an incredible good time with Suga he decided to go back home. 

They had a comeback after all and he couldn’t deny his other 5 friends for just one person. Suga had taken good care of Kihyun. He had brought him to a nice restaurant so the younger would have a good decent meal instead of something home cooked. It made Kihyun’s heart flip a little that he had others who care for me too.

When he was with Changkyun all his attention went automatically to the younger. What else would you do when you are in love? Kihyun forgot sometimes that he had others that care for him like his own members sometimes. Especially the once outside of the dorm aka Suga.

Suga was always there for him and now being Kihyun’s boyfriend. Kihyun opened the door of the dorms and steps inside. Only to be greeted by a happy Shownu. “Welcome back Kihyunie, you look good! Is everything a bit better?”

Kihyun smiles at his hyung and looks at the arms that the older was holding open for him. The younger drops his bag and gets in the leader his arms. “Changkyun isn’t home right now Kihyun so we got time to bring your stuff to my room and Hyungwon to yours” 

Kihyun nods and lets go of Shownu again. He didn’t want to sleep with the younger again. They had a two person bed and Kihyun killed himself with Changkyun’s oxygen everynight. Most of the time he or Changkyun slept on the couch since Changkyun didn’t want to sleep with him anymore.

So an app group was made with Shownu, Wonho, Hyungwon and Kihyun. They decided from there where Kihyun would sleep and Kihyun was happy with his dongsaeng that wanted to switch rooms with him. Shownu and Wonho wanted to stay together so there was only one option. “Lets get started then” Kihyun says with a les heavy sigh then a few days earlier.

Shownu nods and makes his way to the living room while Kihyun undoes his coat. “Uhm Shownu-hyung?” Shownu turns around. “Yes Kihyun?” Silence for a few seconds but Kihyun just had to know “Where is Changkyun?” He asked soft like he still cared for him and of course he did, even when he had kissed Suga during the three days he was with him, but he didn’t do more then that so it was is human nature to ask where his past love was.

“Changkyun is with Youngjae from Got7” Shownu kindly replied and Kihyun nods. After hanging up his coat, removing his shoes and gloves he follows Shownu to the living room where Wonho and Hyungwon were playing Mario Cart.

“Guess who came back?” Shownu liked it to make some sort of introduction and both members turn their heads and smile. “Kihyunie welcome back!” Wonho says excited and gets up with Hyungwon.

Kihyun smiles happily to his members. “Woaw I missed your smile hyung!” Is what Hyungwon says and it made Kihyun even more happy to be called hyung again.

“Now shall we help Kihyun in your room and Hyungwon to Joohyuk’s and Changkyun’s?” The three nod, and started to switch Hyungwon’s and Kihyun’s stuff.

-

“Wow” is all what Youngjae could say when Changkyun finally finished his story about the last days, with him and Kihyun. Changkyun just nods, sitting besides Youngjae on the youngers bed. His own hands interwinded pressing his thumbs on each other.

“At least you know that you regret it, because honestly I though of you and Kihyun as a perfect match” Youngjae says to encourage his hyung. “You thought so? Then you are the first one” Changkyun mumbles in disbelieve. “For real?” Youngjae’s face when into a small shock and Changkyun nods at those words. 

“Not even our own members had faith in us in the beginning” Not only the good parts of his relationship with Kihyun came back but also the hard once, making the maknae extremely tired sometimes but when he was with Kihyun everything would be right. Now, he missed the pressence of his hyung.

In the first week where he had ignored his hyung, which is now two weeks ago, he couldn’t ignore his pressence. His figure being around made Changkyun sure that he could go back to him. He was serious about testing the other how long it would take Kihyun to break down and beg him to come back since he actually hadn’t see Kihyun really care about it. He tried to stop him at the restaurant though.

Maybe that he had missed something that he hadn’t seen before, but he wouldn’t know it now.

“O but they had faith later on right?” Youngjae asks just to be sure and he smiles when he sees Changkyun nodding. “But hey Changkyun” The young vocalist shoves closer to Changkyun and moves his arm around the rapper his shoulder.

“You regret leaving Kihyun before or after you saw Wonho kissing Shownu?” Changkyun sighes. He actually didn’t know that. “Before.. but more after” He was honest with himself, he doesn’t know why he had left Kihyun. “Then do something about it Hyung, go back home and do something with him, just a talk, because he seemed done with you now and to be honest, I am emotional and with your behaviour I completely understood his choice of words”

Changkyun nods again and this time more reasuring, the pressure leaving his thumbs so his fingers would have the normal skin tone back again. “Thanks Youngjae, but what do I say?” Changkyung gets up and makes himself ready to leave the JYP building. “If you don’t know what to say then that is the best, let your feelings talk” Youngjae says reasuring “It helped for me” and Changkyun smiles, he smiles to Youngjae that was in a relationship with Jaebum their Got7 leader. 

“Have a save trip home Changkyun hyung” Youngjae says while he gets up and makes sure to let Changkyun leave the dorms with a hug.

-

After a few minutes of traveling he gets back in front of the Monsta X dorms, voices talking to each other. His eyebrows went up as he hears the most recognizable voice out of all. Kihyun was home. He opens the door and gets inside, not minding his jacket and goes straight to the living room were he sees Kihyun playing Mario Cart with Shownu.

Wonho and Hyungwon are laughing behind them on the couch about how Shownu was twelfth place while Kihyun was second place in the race.

The race finishes and they turn to new pressence in the room, which was Changkyun. “O welcome home kyunie!” Is what Wonho says and Changkyun watches Kihyun’s eyebrow frown just a little bit while his own eyes widen, a lot. 

There was an annoying purple thing on Kihyun’s neck, and it wasn’t Changkyun’s. Who gave Kihyun a hickey?


	4. ''The fire is back on''

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun finally kind of makes a move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovies!  
> I am back witrh another Chapter of this story that I truely want to finish  
> so I am going to to my best and write a chapter in 7/10 days.  
> I dont know where this story is going, I only made a plot  
> and it could rather go wrong or right but we will see how that goes.  
> For now a bit of happiness instead of the sadness

Changkyun turns on his back. His bed was cold, colder than usual. The coldness was surrounding him, his blanket didn’t feel much of a protection against the low temperature. 

A warmth gone that was supposed to be next to his body. Changkyun turns his face to the spot where Kihyun used to be. He imagines Kihyun’s body besides him. It was a dick move of him to say that he didn’t wanted to sleep with him anymore. He regretted it now as well. 

His arm found his way to the empty spot, stroking the matrass soft. He can’t bring it to say the words. He missed his hyung, even when he had send him away or when kihyun went away out of his own, he knew that he would be in the living room.

Sometimes Changkyun woke up in the middle of the night because of his body reacting to the loneliness. Leaning against the doorframe of his room. He would get up and look over Kihyun that was on the couch. Considering if he would join him on the couch. Would Kihyun accept that?

Changkyun turns to Kihyun’s side. Why did he broke up with him? Why did he do it again? Why did he cancelled everything when he was the one that asked the older. It was a bad move to go after his feelings for Wonho. Not looking much further than his nose. Love can be so deceiving. 

If he knew that Wonho liked Shownu maybe then he could have focused back on Kihyun completely. He would now anyways. He lied about liking a fan since Changkyun admitted that he was gay. Gay for Kihyun at least since he didn’t like his other members in a relationship way, excdpt for Wonho but those feelings were long gone now.

The rapper can’t help but to notice this empty feeling inside of him while he watched Kihyun. What annoyed him the most was that he saw a purple thing on Kihyun’s neck just a few hours ago and he knew it all too well. Did Kihyun found someone else? Did he really move on? After maybe a two and a half week break up.

Changkyun starts to worry, he was scared that he was left behind without Kihyun where he could turn back to, or at least he thought so but wasn’t that sure anymore. His world, his Kihyun was gone now and in someone else his hand.

That is how Changkyun fell asleep, after a lot of overthinking he finally felt the wave of pain hit him. He cried in silent, not wanting to wake Jooheon or Minhyuk up who were happily sleeping in each other’s arms. Leaving Hyungwon aside who was sleeping in a different bed and completely of the world.

Changkyun thought of Youngjae, he needed to talk to Kihyun, tell him he was sorry, but when? Changkyun was a coward.

He misses the cold so much that he starts to feel warm, creating his own warmth so he wouldn’t feel alone anymore. Everything was black, pitch black, not even a single light could light up the room where Changkyun was in. 

The rapper had secretly followed Kihyun. His hyung walking with someone else, hand in hand away from him. Smiling like he was truly happy. It made Changkyun’s heart ache. ‘’Kihyun’’ He said softly to himself. ‘’K-Kihyun?’’ This time more of a questions. He wanted Kihyun’s attention. He missed him.

Kihyun didn’t seem to notice as he kept on walking away. So Changkyun starts walking after him, repeating his name again but then everything went black. Changkyun normally wasn’t afraid of these small things, rather hard to get afraid but now he was on edge. He didn’t saw Kihyun anymore. His face was still visible, appearing in a faint blend in front of him. 

Then a voice starts talking to him. “Why did you leave him?” Changkyun presses his hands hard against his ears. He didn’t want that question since he didn’t know the answer. Blood rising to his head since the voice repeated the same question over and over again. Sweat starts to form on Changkyun’s face. It felt like hot water burning his skin as a punishment. He wakes up with a painful gasp. “Kihyun..”

He shoots up from his bed, so fast that he wasn’t used to his own speed and almost tripped over his own feet. Rushing to his door and almost slamming the door open if he didn’t forgot that Minhyuk and Jooheon were still sleeping in his room. Again hyungwon sleeping soundly in an other bed. So he opens the door open a bit rough but soundless. He let his eyes scan the room until he sees a figure. 

To his amazement there wasn’t. Changkyun bumps his fist against the doorframe, what he forgot is that Kihyun had changed rooms with Hyungwon. ‘’Kihyun..’’ He softly whispers. 

‘’Changkyun..’’ Kihyun asks with a sleepy voice. His good nature made him walk to the voice that was screaming his name senselessly without knowing why. Changkyun’s eyes widen as he sees the figure coming from the hall. A relieved breath escapes his mouth as he saw that Kihyun was here, and this time the small purple hickey gone. 

‘’Hey don’t ignore me, I don’t got time for this, it’s’’ Before Kihyun could finish his words he receives arms around him that he tried to forget for a long period now. 

‘’No Changkyun, no, let go of me’’ Kihyun says stern while trying to push Changkyun of off him. 

The arms only tighten more around the small figure. Kihyun’s body that used to be a bit wider was now smaller. Changkyun only gasps in this moment he knew what he had done to the older. The days of Kihyun eating less and less food. ‘’Changkyun, let me go.. please’’ 

Changkyun didn’t knew what overcame him. He was hugging Kihyun, he was hugging him again and o he missed it. Tears start to form in the rim of his eyes. ‘’I had a nightmare’’ He says softly.

Kihyun finally stops pushing Changkyun who was showing no sign of letting go. Kihyun gulps heavily, he missed the arms and the body that was pressed against him. This wasn’t bad at all, the only bad part was that he wasn’t his anymore. He shakes his head lightly, he really needs to stop thinking like that.

‘’Will you tell me the nightmare?’’ Kihyun asks kindly, now resting his hands on the younger his shoulders. Changkyun shakes his head. Somewhere deep down he wanted to tell Kihyun the truth that he wanted him back, but he was afraid, a coward. 

He didn’t want Kihyun to know that he wanted him back. He didn’t even know why he was thinking like this at all. A war deep inside of Changkyun makes him only more frustrated. He starts to squeeze Kihyun unconsciously. ‘’ah ah C-Changkyun’’

Kihyun looks at Changkyun that had his face pressed in his shoulder. Kihyun feels the pain in his waist growing more by the second that Changkyun was holding him. Then in a few seconds Kihyun knows what to do and grabs Changkyun’s neck, bringing it out of his shoulder. Changkyun gasps and looks up to Kihyun. Kihyun knew his weakness, Kihyun knew everything of him, so why wouldn’t he do this?

Kihyun strokes Changkyun’s neck in the hope to calm him down. Changkyun could only cry more, the well-known feeling in the fingers that weren’t his. Truth to be told, Changkyun couldn’t sleep without Kihyun, he had forced himself on sleeping pills. 

Questions, and words flying through his head. Why did he leave his hyung while he was this kind. Was he kind? He went with someone else then Changkyun.

 

Changkyun’s eyes kept on scanning Kihyun’s face. Words on the top of his tongue that he wanted to tell the older, but he couldn’t. his tongue was pressed against the back of his teeth. Trying to push through but the white wall kept his tongue inside. Kihyun takes a breath making Changkyun only more nervous. ‘’Changkyun, let’s talk okey?’’

Kihyun removed Changkyun’s arms around him, grabbing one hand instead. The younger didn’t struggle or anything. He followed his hyung to one of the couches. Kihyun took a seat and Changkyun took a seat beside him for the first time in almost three weeks.

‘’What’s wrong’’ Kihyun started off with a basic question in the hope that Changkyun would open up. His thumb softly stroking the hand he used to hold. Changkyun only squeezed in the hand to check if Kihyun was really there, if he wasn’t dreaming at all. 

‘’I had a nightmare’’ Changkyun said soft, he couldn’t look up to Kihyun. ‘’What was it about?’’ Kihyun continues his questions.

‘’About …’’ Changkyun squeezes Kihyun’s hand more, he was afraid that the hand would disappear. Why couldn’t he talk to Kihyun about Kihyun himself? Silence took over for a few minutes. ‘’Changkyun?’’ Kihyun tried again. 

‘’If you are not going to speak then I’ll leave again, because this is not working’’ Kihyun says while letting go of the hand, it made Changkyun alert and look up to Kihyun. ‘’A night mare about a person’’ he finally said looking down again. Holding his own hands, stroking his knuckles with his thumb.

‘’Who was that person’’ Kihyun asks curious, he wanted to know if it was him or the one Changkyun currently liked, playing a bit but since he knew something that the younger was hiding. ‘’It was someone I care about, but it didn’t end to well’’ 

Kihyun hums. ‘’Changkyun’’ he asked again making the younger look up. ‘’Was it me?’’ the question coming softer out of his mouth then planned. Changkyun didn’t know what to answer or which movement to do. He already spilled that he cared for that person and that was the truth. 

‘’Will you get mad at me if I told you’’ Changkyun carefully asked his first question. 

‘’Changkyun, I’’ But Kihyun stopped his sentence, he looked away now. Changkyun watched the nerves of his hyung. He took a closer look, slightly leaning in. He knew Kihyun so well, even in the dark he could see his body change, showing the sign that he was nervous. 

Changkyun’s eyes where only at one spot now, and that was Kihyun’s neck. That one damned spot that someone else marked and he didn’t know who. Kihyun flinched and looks at Changkyun when the youngers mouth was in an o. shocked by his own movements. Without noticing he had placed his fingers on Kihyun’s neck.

‘’What’s wrong with you’’ Kihyun whispered painfully to him, making Changkyun pull back his fingers. ‘’First you won’t talk, you ignore me for days, you are so rude that I am hardly keeping my cool, and now you scream my name in your nightmare, and your even touching me!?’’ 

Changkyun looked to the couch, words still stuck in his throat. ‘’I know that it was me in your dream, you screamed my name multiple times, so why don’t you want to tell me’’ 

Kihyun sounded frustrated in his voice. He never got a reason why Changkyun broke up with him. To feel incomplete every time when Yoongi kissed him. Kihyun sighs when he doesn’t get an answer from Changkyun again.

‘’Never mind Changkyun. I try to let you talk, to at least explain things, but you won’t, and I hope that you will find it in your heart to tell me one day why you made your choices, because, I won’t be there forever’’ Kihyun gets up after his words.

Changkyun quickly moved his head up. Did Kihyun really mean that? He watches the elder walk away. His body paralyzed by the words. Watching the figure leave the living room back to the room that never belonged to Kihyun in the first place. 

Minutes pass by and Changkyun stayed on his spot. He really didn’t want to sleep in his own room where he knows of Jooheon and Minhyuk being clingy in bed. Or he would crawl in Hyungwon’s arms but no. He rather was in Kihyun’s. 

So he laid down on the cold couch, again surrounded by the cold era around him. He really deserved it though. Another minute passed by and another one but the ceiling above Changkyun didn’t change. He still couldn’t sleep. Afraid that his nightmare would continue.

If he couldn’t get the words out of his mouth maybe he needed to show affection to Kihyun. That could be his change. Even when Kihyun only liked skin ship when he did it himself. His lover could always touch him. If Changkyun also could say that one sentence. A sentence where they promise to get at least a talk then Changkyun would sort everything out.

Yes that was his mindset now. He slowly got up from the couch. There is no way that he would let Kihyun be in someone else their hands. So he starts to walk, he walks to Hyungwon, Shownu and Wonho’s room. Pushing the handle down with his hands knowing that it wasn’t locked. He slowly made his way into the room.

A body in a single bed turns a bit around to look at the intruder. Changkyun knows it was Kihyun because who else could it be. Kihyun looks questionable up to Changkyun, moving on his elbows to keep his weight up. 

‘’Changkyun..?’’ Kihyun asked in confusion. His eyes had yet to confirm his surroundings but they were a bit to late when Kihyun felt the weight sink on his bed. His eyes widen, was this really Changkyun? 

Without thinking twice Kihyun moves a bit to the side, wanting to give the younger space. The weight got slowly more to him and lands besides him. Kihyun looks at indeed who he thought it was, Changkyun. 

‘’Hyung, I’m so sorry.. but can we talk some time’’ Changkyun’s voice was soft, careful and about to break. It made Kihyun’s heart ache. The dreads that used to hold his broken heart, that was lying on the ground, slowly brought the pieces back up. Still not connected but he could feel something. A start which came from Changkyun.

“Not now Changkyun, get some sleep, we will talk later okey?’’ Kihyun moved on his side, a tiny smile appeared on his face. Somewhere really happy to be in the same bed as Changkyun again. The rapper nodded, ‘’Thanks hyung’’ 

He laid down on his side, his eyes would be wrong if he saw a tiny smile on Kihyun’s face. A smile that hadn’t been there in a while. The warmth of both bodies spread over the bed. Changkyun was still feeling cold after he watched Kihyun’s form for a while. Kihyun had closed his eyes, wanting to at least get a little bit of sleep before they would work on their comeback again.

Changkyun appreciated Kihyun’s figure suddenly inside his head. Why it was so perfect in bed and once again. Why did he leave a body like that to someone else? Changkyun shoves closer to Kihyun. Under the blankets moving his hand towards the vocal, eventually laying his hand on the thin waist.

Kihyun’s eyes flinched open. ‘’W-what?’’ He said but Changkyun pulled Kihyun closer to him. ‘’Hyung I’m sorry’’ Changkyun repeated again, this were the only words he could get out of his mouth, until he let himself speak k stead of his mind. ‘’C-can I hold you again, I’m so cold’’ 

He really was shivering, but not from the cold, but from the fear. Usually Changkyun was the man in the relationship, showing no sign of fear, but losing the love of your life after your own dumb mistake was a bad thing. Changkyun was slowly realizing more and more what he had done wrong. ‘’For this time Changkyun’’ 

Kihyun pushes Changkyun gentle on his back, but Changkyun immediately took Kihyun’s body with him, pressing him half on him. Kihyun carefully laid his head on Changkyun’s chest. He could feel the heartbeat of the younger being out of his usual calm rhythm like Kihyun was used too. This was just like their first time sleeping innocently together. Both were now older, and knew each other, but it still felt funny to Kihyun and somewhere, safe.

Changkyun slowly calms down when he felt Kihyun back on him. ‘’Goodnight Changkyun’’

The older says and does another attempt of closing his eyes. This time Kihyun was gone in a minute just like it used to be. Changkyun moves his other arm protectively around Kihyun. The older wouldn’t notice it now. He looked to Kihyun’s form in his arms, just fitting perfect. ‘’Hyung.. I…’’ 

Changkyun closed his mouth again, words were no use for the sleeping Kihyun and honestly he needed sleep himself. He takes a deep breath. This was at least a smaller step closer to what he once wanted. Even just a millimeter. He was on the way to fix his problem. Maybe a weird and slow way, but every path he makes on his own is a path that would lead his life. 

The path that he once had with Kihyun was split into two, the paths besides each other but with space between. Changkyun stars to walk forward to where the roads would once go into one again.

It didn’t took long for Changkyun to fall asleep, a minute just like Kihyun. As soon as he closed his eyes he was back in his dream, this time the darkness faded away and he saw Kihyun again. Kihyun with another body in a bed. 

Changkyun walks slowly to the bed. The corners of his mouth turned up when he saw that the other body was him and he knew that he would be dreaming about himself with Kihyun. Which at least made the fire light in him again and he would made sure that the fire stayed on from now on to the end of his life.


End file.
